Be Quiet and Listen

This post is my contribution to Fifty Love Photography’s 40 Over 40 Movement, “a photographic project for women over 40, 50, & 60+ celebrating themselves, telling their story, and empowering women to love and accept themselves at any age.”

As a kid, I craved the spotlight. As I aged, I grew to quiet myself. For 20+ years, I buried a true desire to feel seen. I opted for responsibility and caregiving in the forms of worry, anxiety, and workaholism. I sought out the dance floor and the thrill of karaoke but, I used drinking and pot as artificial means to loosen up enough to release the pressure of responsibility and act out seeking attention. 

In my deepest wisdom, I wanted to be valued and desired but, it felt impossible and unreasonable to ask for that. Instead, I chose to become a dutiful employee, wife, mother.  I stopped asking for what I secretly wanted, and resented everyone around me for not meeting my unspoken expectations. 

I never wanted engagement photos or maternity photos of myself. I never wanted professional photos of my family. I told myself that documenting my image in photographs was artificial and desperate for attention.  Deep down, I didn’t feel important enough to be seen. I was messy and complicated, not matching white shirts and khakis on the beach.

Then, in the summer of 2020, 3 months into COVID-19, virtual school for 2 kids, and 10 years of marriage, I started fainting. I’d lose consciousness and speech, had tingling hands and brain fog.  I’d be listening to a podcast about financial planning and a wave of nausea would wash over me. The blood would rush out of my face. My ears would ring. I’d pass out.  

I had a therapist, an energy healer, and my dear friend Katie all telling me the same thing in different voices, “You aren’t listening to your gut, your intuition, your inner knowing. You’re lying to yourself and playing small. Be quiet and listen.”

I was terrified of listening to my truest self.  The life I wanted was clear to me, but that meant dismantling the one I was living. I would have to disappoint people, put myself first, be selfish, do hard things. So many hard things.  But, eventually, I let go, relaxed into it, and trusted.

I inched my way toward that truer version of me and loosened my grip on perfectionism. 18 months later, I own my own business doing work I love with amazing clients. I’ve made a cozy home for myself and my boys. I am abundant in love. I’ve let go of some relationships to make space for strengthening others. I’m starting to prioritize my physical and mental health. 

The woman in these photos has taken the leap into her zone; her truest, most vibrant self.  She is empowered, authentic, and unapologetic.  These photos are the permission I give myself to feel seen, desired, bold, brave.